Secret Diary of Peter Oppenheimer

Life is a buffet

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

been a while

I know it has been a while, but unlike our friend fake Steve, I acually have to do real fake work around here. Do you know how long it takes to type a fake SEC report? These things are like 1,000 pages or something. Steve makes me type them myself because of all the new worries about accounting irregularities.

Speaking of irregularities. I was all stressed out while typing page 678 of my upcoming SEC report and suddenly the stress of typing made the old IBS flare up. I have this thing about craping when people are in the bathroom and finding an empty bathroom here on the Apple campus is next to impossible. I have to crap by myself because when I was in 1st grade I was taking a dump and some 6th graders started throwing water on me. It may have been a teacher, i don't know...I was taking a dump at the time. Anyway, ever since then I have not been able to crap while there were other people in the room.

So here I am walking all over the campus trying to find an empty bathroom. You would think that a company with this much in the way of resources could afford to install some private bathrooms here and there. I'll have to budget some of your 7 Billion in cash for that, I am the CFO for craps sake.

Speaking of crap, I could not find any privacy so I let a huge cramper out in a bathroom full of people and totally embarrassed myself. It was one of those ones that alternates gas and crap, gas and crap, gas and crap. It was disgusting I was even grossed out and I tend to like the smell of my own crap. I did it over in the Windows version of iTunes area so I don't think they will notice too much. Anyway, I felt like a million bucks afterward. So good that I was able to get up to page 682.

Talley Ho!


Saturday, August 26, 2006

Board Room

So I was giving this boardroom speech about Apple's financials and was explaining how we can short sell some Apple stock to help pay for this $100,000,000 that we are going to pay Creative for their lame ass patents. I can't believe that we are evan paying this much to a company that is worth about $500,000 on a good day. So I was throwing out a lot of numbers and such to get my point across. All of a sudden Steve leans forward, makes his fingers into a tee pee and starts staring at me. The whole room, except for Gore, starts shifting glances between the a-hole and me. Then Steve after he had gained everyone's attention, except Gore who was checkin his arm pits for sweat, says I don't get it. So I ask him, what don't you get? Long pause. I...don' (Gore is smelling his fingers now). What Steve? The whole thing. There is no beauty in it. By this point I knew that he was going all Karma-y on me and that I wasn't going to get anywhere. So I let out a patented Oppenheimer greaser, one of those ones that is so thick it does not make any sound and slightly warms the anus on the way out. (I ate two cans of Nalley's Walla Walla Sweet Onion Chilli solely for this purpose). I started talking like nothing had happend. Drexler was the first to notice and yelled, "What died in here!" Immediately everyone turns to Drexler and Levinson gave the undefendable retort, "He who smelt it delt it." By that point the stench was so thick that everyone, except Gore, got up and made way straight for the door. Gore finally comes back to this plane of existence and asks, "Is it warm in here?" I packed up my white board (have to bring my own because I can't use a-hole's) and left the room and left Gore one last Walla Walla treat before I closed the door.

Talley Ho!


Monday, August 21, 2006

Spurlock is a wuss

Today I decided to do something different with my workout and went to McDonald's for the #6 (quarter pounder with cheese). I had been going to Burger King and Wendy's but decided to shake things up a bit. I went to the counter to order and automatically asked to have the Super Size. The mexican taking my order just stared blankly at me. I figured it was a language thing so I restated it as Mucho Size-O por favor. She informed me, in quite excellent english I might add, that they no longer had that option. I'm no idiot (I'm the CFO of apple for Pete's sake) so I decided to make my own Super Size by purchasing an extra order of fries. In your face mexican cashier! While I was waiting for my order to be filled, it finally dawned on me who was to blame for this unfortunate removal of the Super Size option - that bastard Morgan Spurlock, the guy who ate only at McDonalds for a whole month and made a movie out of it. I rented it on the way home and watched it last night. The official Oppenheimer review is that...Morgan Spurlock is a wuss.

I could not believe my eyes. While attempting to eat his first Super Sized meal he actually could not handle it and threw up out of his van window. It was friggin hilarious. I could eat one of those things in my sleep! What would make me hurl is one of those Asian Salads they serve at McDonald's. Mandarin oranges in a salad? I just had to swallow my own vomit thinking about it. During his thirty day ordeal the poor wuss also got depressed and developed a low sex drive. You want to know the real reason for his depression and low sex drive? He's married to some unshorn, vegan chef. If I had to wake up next to that every morning I would be depressed too. Lastly his poor liver got a boo boo while he was on the diet. It was no surprise to me, you have to work up to these things. You just can't go out and start Super Sizing willy nilly. I have been training for about 4 years now and my trainer, Michael Moore, says I am only fit enough for twice daily fast food.

What a wuss, ruined my training. I've survived worse though...that two hour meeting with Gil Amelio was much worse. Much much worse. I'll have to tell you about it sometime.

Talley Ho!


P.S. I have to give a presentation to the board tomorrow. I'll let you know how it goes.

Saturday, August 19, 2006


Just got a phone call from Nancy. I need to clarify the last part of my blog posting. I meant to say that she likes Heineken but left out a few letters. Sorry about the misunderstanding.

Tally Ho!


New Underwear

I was shopping in Cupertino Target last night for a new pair of boxers. I won't fully divulge the reason why, lets just say that I compounded some interest the night before. I was examining a pair of black boxers with a nice club-sandwich print on them when suddenly I spied Nancy Heinen in the lingere section. She was shopping for underwear too!! I've always had a bit of a crush on Nancy and decided that I could not pass up a little bit of Nancy in the women's undewear department. So I turned on the Oppenheimer charm and said while holding up my club-sandwich print underwear, "Do you tink that these are big enough for Peter?" She looked up from a thong and said, "High, Peter...I'm not going to answer that. I have enough problems with this stok options crap..." and started droning on about all of this stuff I have heard before. Blah-Blah. By this point I was regretting approching her but luckily I found a picture of a hot dog over the counter at the snack bar to keep me occupied while she droned on. It was one of those cool pictures where the hot dog was all sweaty and inviting. Where do those sweat drops come from? Do they actually need to cool off if they get too hot, because I have bitten into some really hot wieners before and they did not seem to be sweating. Anyhoo, Nancy brough me back out of my hot-dog induced day dream by asking me over to her place. To make a long story short Nancy likes it in the Heinen.

Tally Ho!


Friday, August 18, 2006

Welcome to my new Blog

I have noticed all of the attention that Steve has been getting for his blog lately and decided that it was time to start my own. Of course my own blog will feature more of the financial side of Apple which hopefully will be more engaging and less drug ridden as Steve's.

Don't get the wrong impression from this early attempt. I love Steve, he saved this company for Pete's sake (but not for my own sake...or my own sake (the Japanese rice beverage)). He invented the frigging iPod, have you heard of it? (believe me, I have...again and again). Anyhoo, the only thing that gets between Steve and me is beef. Juicy, succulent beef. Frankly, I think about it all the time. I was thinking of a nice Porterhouse when they took this picture of me.

I had lunch with Steve just the other day in the Apple cafeteria. I had my usual juicy all beef cheseburger and Steve was choking down something that for all I know was newborn baby crap smeared over a pita. He kept going on and on about the stock options fiasco and how this was all Fred Anderson's fault and then outlined what I needed to do to help him out. He was getting pretty excited by this point and the baby poo pita he was chewing on started crumbling and little bits began to fall out of the corner of his mouth. I could not take it anymore and yelled, "STEVE." He blinked and swallowed his pita. By this point half the peole around us were staring at us. I held up my cheeseburger and said, "One bite. Tell me its not good." He put his fingertips together and began the patented Jobs Stare down, which by the way I am immune to, it was part of the job qualifications for the CFO. At that point I silently farted, stuffed the rest of the cheeseburger in my mouth and got up to leave. Steve just sat there like he was trying to gain control over my mind. I farted again and left.

That basically sums up my relationship with Steve. He never listens and I like beef.

Tally Ho!