Secret Diary of Peter Oppenheimer

Life is a buffet

Saturday, August 26, 2006

Board Room


So I was giving this boardroom speech about Apple's financials and was explaining how we can short sell some Apple stock to help pay for this $100,000,000 that we are going to pay Creative for their lame ass patents. I can't believe that we are evan paying this much to a company that is worth about $500,000 on a good day. So I was throwing out a lot of numbers and such to get my point across. All of a sudden Steve leans forward, makes his fingers into a tee pee and starts staring at me. The whole room, except for Gore, starts shifting glances between the a-hole and me. Then Steve after he had gained everyone's attention, except Gore who was checkin his arm pits for sweat, says I don't get it. So I ask him, what don't you get? Long pause. I...don't...get...it. (Gore is smelling his fingers now). What Steve? The whole thing. There is no beauty in it. By this point I knew that he was going all Karma-y on me and that I wasn't going to get anywhere. So I let out a patented Oppenheimer greaser, one of those ones that is so thick it does not make any sound and slightly warms the anus on the way out. (I ate two cans of Nalley's Walla Walla Sweet Onion Chilli solely for this purpose). I started talking like nothing had happend. Drexler was the first to notice and yelled, "What died in here!" Immediately everyone turns to Drexler and Levinson gave the undefendable retort, "He who smelt it delt it." By that point the stench was so thick that everyone, except Gore, got up and made way straight for the door. Gore finally comes back to this plane of existence and asks, "Is it warm in here?" I packed up my white board (have to bring my own because I can't use a-hole's) and left the room and left Gore one last Walla Walla treat before I closed the door.

Talley Ho!

Peter