Secret Diary of Peter Oppenheimer

Life is a buffet

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

been a while

I know it has been a while, but unlike our friend fake Steve, I acually have to do real fake work around here. Do you know how long it takes to type a fake SEC report? These things are like 1,000 pages or something. Steve makes me type them myself because of all the new worries about accounting irregularities.

Speaking of irregularities. I was all stressed out while typing page 678 of my upcoming SEC report and suddenly the stress of typing made the old IBS flare up. I have this thing about craping when people are in the bathroom and finding an empty bathroom here on the Apple campus is next to impossible. I have to crap by myself because when I was in 1st grade I was taking a dump and some 6th graders started throwing water on me. It may have been a teacher, i don't know...I was taking a dump at the time. Anyway, ever since then I have not been able to crap while there were other people in the room.

So here I am walking all over the campus trying to find an empty bathroom. You would think that a company with this much in the way of resources could afford to install some private bathrooms here and there. I'll have to budget some of your 7 Billion in cash for that, I am the CFO for craps sake.

Speaking of crap, I could not find any privacy so I let a huge cramper out in a bathroom full of people and totally embarrassed myself. It was one of those ones that alternates gas and crap, gas and crap, gas and crap. It was disgusting...so disgusting I was even grossed out and I tend to like the smell of my own crap. I did it over in the Windows version of iTunes area so I don't think they will notice too much. Anyway, I felt like a million bucks afterward. So good that I was able to get up to page 682.

Talley Ho!

Peter

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